How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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