How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
