I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
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