I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Randomize
