Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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