Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Randomize
