I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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