its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
