I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Is Oprah even human
Randomize
