My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Randomize
