so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I love you.
Bad choice
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
