Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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