The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Bring me that man meat
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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