Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
