I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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