Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
