Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
