Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
