Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
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I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
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They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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