You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
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