Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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