my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
You made out with two different species that night
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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