But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
