my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Randomize
