so that wasnt chicken after all
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
