why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
