'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
