So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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