My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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