if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Randomize
