Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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