My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I don't think brook has ever known best
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
