Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
