Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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