worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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