nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Randomize
