i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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