Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Success! We fucked roommates!
Randomize
