He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
