No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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