Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
