New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
