I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
