Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
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