Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
