I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
