My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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