he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
