I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
She needs sedatives and a leash
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
