I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
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