I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
