im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
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