just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Randomize
