So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
