Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize
