Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Randomize
