I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
