I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
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Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
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I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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