i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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