You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
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