I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
