The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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