I wish I could punch you in the face.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
