I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
