dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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