You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
you had me at cake vodka
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Randomize