Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
