M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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