My friends, they love my intelligence
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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