M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
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