I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
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